Jokes




The Perfect Latina Wife

This latino couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his wife: "Preciosa, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going Papi chulo...?" Asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Mamasita. I'm going to have a beer." The wife says to him: -"You want a beer mi amor...? Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, mi mujer linda...but the bar...you know...the frozen glass..." He didn't finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass mi precioso...? She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says: "Yes, mi dulce, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK...?" "You want hors d'oeuvres carino? She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But querida...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words mi macho hombre...? "HERE, TOMA TU FUCKING CERVEZA IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING COPA AND COMETE TU FUCKING SNACKS, PORQUE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT MARICON!!!"


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party . The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back..."Anytime youre ready, Father of Four!"

Osama and the psychic

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer. "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?", Osama bin Laden asks nervously. "It doesn't matter", replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"


Cut the Grass

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".


IRS

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle." The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in while they send us a free box of matzoh balls." The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."


New Taliban Cities

CNN reports that now that American B-52s have reorganized Afghanistan's landscape, US intelligence has discovered that the remaining Taliban have renamed some of their towns to confuse us. These new names include:

1. Wherz-Myroof

2. Mykamel-Izded

3. Oshit-Disisabad

4. Waddi-El-Izgoinon

5. Pleez-Ztopdishit

6. Kizz-Yerazz-Goodbi

7. Ikantstan-Disnomor

8. Wha-Tafuk-Wuzi-Tinkin

9. Myturbin-Izburnin

10. Ima-Dedshmuck



School Pride

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love." So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love." So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"


BUYING A MULE

For Those Who Can't Understand The Worldcom Case. This is put in the simplest form so that every one can understand. An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with a dead mule?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a net profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Home